As you know, I love Disney princesses. Actually, I love all Disney movies. The princess ones are the best though. As I watched one such movie, I started comparing her life to mine. It hit me that I didn’t just see her story in mine, but I saw other princesses, too.
Snow White was my first princess. Later things took a turn towards Repunzel. (Now, there will be spoilers from this point on. So, if you haven’t seen the movie, you should.) I’m not saying I have magic glowing hair or the ability to heal anyone. Although, that would be pretty amazing! What I am saying is, I had a goal, a dream that I was waiting for. Just follow me on this magic carpet ride and you’ll understand….(I know. Wrong movie.)
Repunzel picks up around my Freshman year of high school. I just became a Christian, and secured a safe place with my dwarfs (see part 1). In my mind everything should be better than it was. I thought my dad would stop drinking, my older brother would remember that I exist, and mostly I would no longer get teased at school. Boy, was I wrong. Nothing changed except me. I slowly became angry.
Mother Gothel was running my life, but I didn’t tell anyone. I went to church like I was supposed to, made friends there, and had fun. I joined German Club and Color Guard at school. However, no matter what I did or where I went, Mother Gothel had my head trapped in that horrible tower. That’s where I waited, and became angrier. I felt stuck. Stuck in my frustration with life and with God. How could He allow me to be so sad and alone? Did He decide I wasn’t good enough? Did I do something wrong?
Through all this, I had Pascal (Doc). She kept me smiling, and reminded me to have fun. No, I didn’t talk to her about how I was feeling. That wasn’t me. I was pulling an Elsa at the beginning of Frozen. “Don’t let them in. Don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal. Don’t feel. Put on a show. Make one wrong move, and everyone will know.” Pascal was the only one who knew my struggles with my family, and that was by accident. She spent the night on the wrong night. Things weren’t that bad that night, but it was enought to make her ask questions.
Like Repunzel, I had dreams of leaving my tower. As soon as I graduated (which almost didn’t happen), I planned to move as far away as possible. I wanted to see where my lanterns would lead me. The dreamer side of me wanted to be a famous singer. I wanted to open night club for Christians. Most of all, I wanted to travel the world and experience everything. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel safe.
After high school, Pascal and I went to college. I thought for sure everything would change. School was an hour and a half away. I was free, but I wasn’t. Every weekend I went back to my tower. I panicked like Repunzel. It felt wrong, but right at the same time. There were so many mixed emotions. Being on my own was awesome! Mother Gothel was right there though. She reminded me of everything I left back home. I didn’t want to go back on the weekends, but I didn’t want to disappoint anyone either.
What about Flynn? He was my Jesus. Very early on, I hit Him on the head with a frying pan. I tried to force Jesus to take me where I thought I needed to go, not where I was supposed to go. He was patient with me, and let me lead the way until I was ready to listen.
During that eight year period, I struggled with Mother Gothel. She kept me in that tower with my help. If I had just talked to someone about how I felt, my “sun on the wall” moment would have happened sooner. I would have realized that God was there for me the whole time. Like the sun, He was everywhere waiting for me to see Him.
Lucky for me, Jesus finally cut my hair. The anger that tethered me to my tower and Mother Gothel was gone. I, finally, started having real conversations about what I was going through and feeling. Please, don’t missunderstand. I still struggle with talking about my feelings. I don’t want to burden others with my problems, but that’s one of the reasons God gives us family and friends. After all, how can we help others if we aren’t willing to help ourselves.